Today is the day I’ve decided to come to the keyboard. Not my usual. Normally it’s hand connected to pen connected to the page. This feels different somehow. My fingers are rusty. I play hopscotch upon the keyboard; eventually fingers will become accustomed to clicking noises and a slight hesitation in the brain, words slowly forming. Sweet. Sour. Tart. Umami. All I can do is look out the window and marvel at the view. I got lucky. But these aren’t the things I’ve been meaning to say. Earlier today I wrote so beautifully inside my head. Now the words are stuck. Lodged between throat and sky. I hate it when that happens. Why is it that I write better when pen and keyboard aren’t involved? It frustrates me so. I need to take a second to think about what it is that I want to convey, what I want to say. One thing for sure…I make a mean Spanish Coffee. Drinking at 3:30 PM PST….what’s wrong with me? Anxiety has been lingering at my back door and I’m doing everything in my power to keep it away. But it’s hard. It’s pesky. It’s raw. He visits anyway.
It’s been a particularly difficult week or two. Actually, it’s been, shall I say, not so much difficult as Full and Overloaded. And it hasn’t just been the past week. I’d say the entire year has been one fast and furious ride. First, my 6 week trip to Europe (a dream come true) and then the searching for and buying of a condo, which was no easy feat. Nowadays, qualifying and applying for a loan is monumentally exhausting. It gave me a new perspective on the process. Being that I’m a real estate broker, it’s been a long time since I transacted a property of my own. It was grueling to say the least, especially in a HOT, HOT market. I moved 2 weeks ago so a lot of that is behind me now but I’m still feeling the aftershocks. Settling in takes time. But you know what? I looked up from my laptop for a moment and was astounded by the view outside my window. I live in a nest perched high above the city yet the city is just a stones throw away. I can walk just about anywhere! I can see weather patterns changing; storms moving in and out. The city is bathed in golden light, grey clouds hovering just above the horizon. This is SO NOT LA!
The happenings of the past week have sent me into a tailspin. First, the election. Truthfully, I found neither candidate appealing. I was hoping for a female president, but was Hillary my favorite choice? To be honest here, not really. I’m a registered Democrat but I found it difficult to embrace a person whose lack of a tangible plan to keep our economy strong and to keep our country safe, almost nonexistent. Then there was the issue of the email scandal and the lies. It’s hard to root for someone that’s dishonest. The sad thing is, she’s a SMART woman! She is no dummy, but her insincerity and lack of vision is what kept her from becoming president. It makes me sad. I wanted to stand behind her fully and completely, and I guess in a sense I did because I voted for her, but it was with trepidation. The truth is, I can’t bare to look at Donald Trump or listen to him speak. Also, the fact Trump will have Republican majorities in congress has me somewhat concerned. I’m not a republican basher and in fact I have voted Republican in the past. One of my biggest concerns is women’s rights and most especially ROE v WADE. What I’m going to do is keep an open mind in hopes that our country will be guided by thoughtful hands, integrity of spirit and a head filled with common sense. (Not meaning to offend anyone here, I just needed to get this off my chest).
But for me, the worst thing that occurred within the past week was the passing of Leonard Cohen. My beautiful gypsy boy with the golden voice. I read somewhere that at 35 Leonard Cohen sounded like an old man and at 82, he sounds eternal. I’ve been stricken with grief since hearing the news. I’ve had the good fortune of seeing him two or three times in concert. I’ve also had the pleasure of meeting him once at the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles, at a Cowboy Junkies concert my mom and I attended. He sat in the seat in front of us and of course we couldn’t take our eyes off of him the entire time. Such a wonderful distraction. We said a gushing hello to him after the show. He was kind and took our hands in his and said with his deep, throaty voice, “thank you for saying hell0”. Boy could that man write and sing. Later on down the road when I was working at A&M Records in Hollywood, our label was producing a Leonard Cohen tribute album. Although I didn’t get to see him during this time, my friend Sunja was the graphic designer for the album cover and oversaw the photo shoot. She was aware of my love for him and had printed an original black and white photo that he autographed for me. I treasure it to this day but it sits in a box waiting to be unpacked. Then Leon Russell, another wonderful musician died a few days later. And then the PBS Newshour correspondent Gwen Iffel. A reminder that Impermanence is a permanent fixture.
There were a ton of things I meant to say but now they elude me. Something tart lingers in my heart. I’m always hungry. I’m always on the brink of a panic stricken moment. Somehow I manage to keep it at bay. I am reminded of my good fortune. I am grateful to have a loving husband and family, good health, a roof over my head, food to eat and a life worth living. Even so, it’s been a crappy week and I’m giving myself permission to feel. To live in the moment and to be with what is. And what isn’t.